Ho 1, Ho 2 and Ho 3

The Duke of Cambridge has revealed that his four-year-old son Prince George wants a police car for Christmas. He is not alone. The prince has, in this era of austerity, only asked for one present despite having five options available on the pro forma that he has skilfully completed. He will be disappointed to learn that due to stringent cuts Santa Claus has been obliged to disband the longstanding Constabulary of the North Pole, and the firm that has won the bid for the recently outsourced security contract (Windsor Security Incorporated) has issued its surviving elves with unmarked sledges. The Royal Family has, to date, been untouched by the Government’s cuts to public services. Perhaps they do not fall into this category, which is why their butlers, equerries, maids and gamekeepers have not been redeployed as… well, I am not sure what they could be redeployed as. Civil servants? Meanwhile, another former member of the Metropolitan Police Service (MPS), retired Detective Inspector Neil Lewis, has revealed that he was “shocked” by the amount of pornography viewed on a computer seized from the Commons office of senior Tory MP Damian Green, claiming that it contained “thousands” of images of pornography, which had been viewed “extensively”. Mr Green, effectively Theresa May`s deputy, says not by him it wasn’t. So it is something of a mystery. I am sure that he would have remembered at least some of it. Fellow Tory MP and bicycle access campaigner Andrew Mitchell has defended Mr Green. Now he is in trouble. Mr Mitchell has announced that “it is the misuse of entirely legal information to blacken the name of a serving cabinet minister”. Mr Lewis says that although “you can’t put fingers on a keyboard”, a number of factors mean that he is in no doubt that it was Mr Green who was accessing the pornographic material, as in between browsing pornography, analysis revealed that he was sending emails from his personal account and reading documents. A Cabinet Office inquiry is also examining the pornography claims, in accordance with the standards of conduct expected of government ministers, who are expected to demonstrate “the highest standards of propriety” and observe the Nolan Principles, which hold that holders of public office should be “truthful”. Hmmm… Mr Lewis has observed that if a police officer had used a work computer in this way he would be disciplined. The MPS has confirmed that its department for professional standards is examining allegations whether Mr Lewis has disclosed confidential information – he is the subject of an internal investigation for probably telling the truth, while Mr Green is under scrutiny for possibly telling lies. And there is more irony to this debacle as it was Mr Green who was not prosecuted for aiding and abetting the disclosure of confidential information by helping a Home Office official leak documents to the media as the act was deemed in the public interest. But Mr Mitchell and other political allies of Mr Green claim a ‘leak’ by a police officer is not. As Mr Green and the producer of The Whips Office 27 know, good tales of sordid revenge run and run. Yours, Stitch